Hey celebrities! How do you like THIS for lifestyle advice?!
As if hearing it from that annoying woman at kinder pick up isn’t painful enough, there’s a new woman ready to tell you you’re living your life wrong and how to do it better. And, joy of joys, she’s another celebrity.
Reece Witherspoon is going to be launching her own Lifestyle company in 2015, and she’s already hiring.
She’s nabbed as CEO, Andrea Hyde, who was previously President of the fashion and lifestyle brand C. Wonder.
I’d never heard of them either, but a friend who went to New York told me their change rooms allow you to dim the lighting and change the music while you confront the reality of your thighs from all angles. I love it. Let me romance myself while I squeeze into these skinny jeans, it’ll make me feel less like I’ve been violated by denim.
Anyhoo, Reece is obviously the latest in a long line of celebs offering us their advice on all things living.
Cameron Diaz’s Body Book
will tell you how to get a body that’s perfect for skinny dipping in the Caribbean at 41.
Jessica Alba’s The Honest Life
will give you tips on living true to yourself, including beauty and styling tips, clean eating, and fun activities with your kids (which frankly, is contradictory because if I was being true to myself I would not be boring myself stupid with endless kiddy crafternoons).
Drew Barrymore has a book too.
It’s a collection of the photos she’s taken of love hearts over the years. O-kay.
And then, of course, there’s Gwynnie who’s kind enough to send me her Goop every month.
I do love it, largely because her pictures are so pretty, but there’s no chance in hell I’d ever follow a single piece of advice from her, because, well SHE IS A GAZILLIONAIRE WITH STAFF AND STYLISTS AND DESIGNERS AND CONNECTIONS TO THE WORLDS GREATEST EXPERTS IN EVERYTHING!!!!!
And I am not.
I will admit, I am interested in these very successful extremely beautiful women and their lives. I love to peek voyeuristically through the drapes of the page to get a glimpse of their furniture, their wardrobes, their huge expansive manicured horizon pool-ed back yard.
But ladies. PLEASE don’t go on Ellen and tell me you’re just like me. Because we all know, what you choose to do hands on, is, kind of like a hobby for you. Like when I choose to make a cake. I could buy one, but isn’t it quaint and old school and terribly hands on of me to bake one as together time with my daughter.
We all know, when it all gets too much for you, you can just pay someone to do the shitty stuff you have no interest in, or the hard stuff you can’t be bothered with, and go on a holiday to one of the more beautiful places in the world and forget all about it. Perhaps the Carribean where you’ve no doubt forgot to pack bathers.
So because I’m certain none of those women have ever cleaned out their bathroom cupboards (I once found an anti-itch ointment that belonged to Marie Antoinette), or scrubbed a rubbish bin drawer holding your breath for fear you might inhale the ebola virus, here are my life tips, for what they’re worth.
How to fold a fitted sheet
1. Take a corner of sheet in each hand
2. Fold inwards
3. Roll sheet up into a ball
4. Shove in linen cupboard and close door before the entire contents fall down on your head.
How to solve technical issues with your tv/dvd/stereo unit
1. Stand in the middle of your living room
2. Point every remote you have simultaneously in both hands at the unit
3. Push random buttons in no particular order until something happens
4. Never again remember how you did that
How to live the best life
1. Do it your way
2. Make mistakes
3. Learn from mistakes
4. Make same mistakes again
5. Keep doing it your way
Yeah. Nothing much more needs to be said. It’s obviously one of those tiny novelty books you find at the counter. That’s OK. I’m very popular come Kris Kringle and Secret Santa time. Me and that book with the monkeys pulling funny faces.